The Pufferfish Epiphany

There was a pufferfish living inside my head, blurring my vision without me knowing the source of the brain fog. This spiny, oval, shadowy, grey creature crowding my mind was reducing my ability to think clearly, to have room to grow, to take space as my truest self, to access the knowledge I’ve carefully collected from years of studying and intentional self-reflection. I didn’t even know this pufferfish existed. Never had I realized that the fears clouding my brightness with impenetrable murkiness were contained inside a pufferfish quietly, yet powerfully, co-existing in my subconscious and blocking my path.

Let me step back from this epiphany for a moment…

A phrase I’ve claimed for myself the last year and used often in conversation is “two things can be true” (thank you, Dr. Becky Kennedy, and the life-changing insights from Good Inside). This phrase unlocked a door that led to soul-searching strategies to reparent myself and rethink my beliefs, not only about life, but about my identity and perception of who I am at my core. Accepting that two things can be true allowed me to see the inherent dichotomy of being human and having complex, complicated, and seemingly contradictory beliefs about myself, how I show up to others in the world, and what shapes my identity.

This was the start of profound self-discovery and digging into my childhood beliefs that had transferred over to my current beliefs, unbeknownst to me. The shock and confusion at realizing I was still chained to old beliefs that no longer served me, that I did not believe at the surface level, yet held me captive, formed my identity, and directly impacted how I treated myself and others… that epiphany shook me to my core. I started the painful process of opening old wounds and looking for ways to release the emotions, thinking that this level of calculated discomfort and pain in search of healing would result in being healed once and for all. And I realized once again that two things can be true. I have done the tedious, agonizing work to heal, and, also, the healing is ongoing. Both are true.

The reality of being human is that we are constantly evolving and growing, and that comes with revisiting old wounds and having hidden pain points that we worked hard to heal resurface from time to time. Part of embracing the reality that two things can be true is having grace on ourselves in those moments of old wounds hurting again, knowing the pain is less intense now that the healing pathway was revealed to us, which means we know how to traverse the pain points this time more smoothly and graciously. And maybe this time we’ll unlock new, deeply meaningful truths about who we are as we revisit the wounds.

Let’s return to my epiphany now…

Today, with the help of an intuitive and wise guide, I revisited old wounds that I thought had fully healed and discovered hidden pains I wasn’t aware of that were dictating my beliefs about myself and what I offer to others. Walking slowly through a vivid visualization of the fears holding me back from unlocking my fullest potential as a professional in my industry, I immediately saw a clear image of the once elusive pufferfish living rent-free in my head. I laughed realizing how quickly the shape, color, texture, and movement of the pufferfish formed in my mind upon my guide’s gentle prompting to visualize the fear blocking me from professional progress. For the first time in a very long time, I was completely present in the moment, captivated by the magic of a powerful visualization unfolding before me. I felt it in the weight of the moment and still feel it now… what I unlocked within my subconscious and brought to the surface was life-changing.

I saw the pufferfish ping-ponging non-stop within the confines of my skull as if trying to distract me from all other thoughts that may try to grow in strength and overshadow the pufferfish. I realized the fears consuming my subconscious—and sometimes my conscious mind—took the form of a pufferfish as a visual representation of the protective barrier my young mind had created to keep me safe from childhood threats I was unable to avoid. Growing up with the constant fear of being in danger, feeling unsafe, and continually on edge as I experienced physical, emotional, and verbal abuse from my biological father throughout my childhood led to the psychological need to create an internal protector—a spiky, puffed up, vigilant defender of my safety bouncing around in my head to provide a steady stream of fear that would keep me alive and resilient to trauma. Although this pufferfish protector had been with me for decades, I never recognized it until today.

That pufferfish has secretly housed my fears all these years, and it took gentle guidance from a gifted soul to help me form the visual identity of the fears loudly consuming my mind and blocking me from deep healing. Once I pictured the pufferfish and identified it as the myriad of fears that once protected me, yet no longer serve me, I was able to start the process of releasing the pufferfish and all the countless fears held within it. Instead of having to name each fear one by one—hoping to somehow harness perfection in processing each trauma and fully healing the root of each fear—I allowed myself to stay present in the moment, trust the process, and feel the magnitude of the healing happening instantaneously. Because, of course, the healing has been in progress for several years, and what I needed was a catalyst to push me past the biggest challenge holding me back… the hidden pufferfish encapsulating the wide spectrum of fears that had tormented me since childhood.

I visualized myself standing on the gorgeous sands of St. John in the Caribbean, the waves calmly lapping at my feet, feeling grounded and safe, hearing the melody of the ocean, dawn about to transform into a vibrant sunrise, a feeling of inner peace knowing that healing had arrived, and I smiled as I saw the pufferfish in color for the first time safely held in the basket of my hands. The little puffer was no longer a dark cloud taking up nearly all the space in my mind. Instead, it was small enough to be contained in my hands, reduced to a fragment of the overwhelming and monstrous form it once was. And it wasn’t grey, but orange and yellow. What once was a shadowy blob controlling my beliefs, self-perceptions, and many behaviors was now revealed in color as a cute pufferfish with no malicious intent. This protector living inside me since childhood served an important purpose, one I’m grateful for and acknowledge as necessary in the past. My guide helped me walk into the waves, lovingly thank the pufferfish, and release it into the depths of the ocean where it now belongs. And with it, the pufferfish took the fears that had drowned me, keeping my adult self below the surface of who I truly am.

As I remained present in the visualization unfolding before me, I felt more relief and gratitude than I can remember feeling before. I turned my gaze from the waves gently rocking me to the horizon where the sun emerged in brilliant, bold colors. My guide invited me to view the sun and all its brightness as my identity emerging from the ocean, and she encouraged me to feel the warmth of all that I intrinsically am, to realize that I’m already WHOLE, that no more healing needs to occur before I start fulfilling my purpose in life, that I can authentically show up for others just as I am, vibrantly radiating light and positive energy to those who need what I have to offer.

I breathed deeply as I took in the mesmerizing visualization I had created. One that felt just as real as visiting St. John years ago, yet this time with added beauty and potency as it marked a transformational shift in mindset that I will actively choose to operate from now that I have a powerful visual tied to releasing my biggest challenge—the pufferfish of fears binding me to old patterns and beliefs that no longer serve me. I memorized the view, flooded my soul with renewed self-worth fueled by my inner brightness, and breathed into the awakening of my truest self.

What I experienced is hard to describe, and even harder for someone who hasn’t experienced a similar transformation to conceptualize or understand. But putting words to it in these first hours after my personal “Birth of Venus” (the painting by Botticelli that symbolizes a transition from chaos to a new era of beauty and rebirth) experience is genuinely gratifying as I memorialize the healing process that started long ago and culminated with a profound couple of hours spent being curious about the fears freezing me in my tracks, and then allowing the brightness of who I am, the warmth of the sun, to naturally melt away what kept me frozen.

And in the blink of an eye, I was free.

I opened my eyes, took a few more deep breaths, let the cleansing tears continue to fall as they released raw and meaningful emotions, and stepped into the beautiful reality of who I am and what I’ve worked hard to finally FEEL in my soul… I am enough.

These kinds of cosmic connections with aligned individuals lead to the most powerful transformations in life. What my guide offered me was from her heart, from a deep inner knowing she tapped into when she met with me, from a place of pure authenticity in wanting to help female founders like me transform into their truest selves, to be the diver in the depths of the ocean of my existence to uncover my hidden treasures and bring them to the surface for me to recognize the reality of who I am… that I am enough. I already am everything I need to be to reach my highest goals.

What a beautiful metamorphosis to capture within two hours of raw, vulnerable, emotional, and profound conversation.

To my amazing guide, Aly Breathe (brilliant coach and host of the empowering podcast Brave Enough to Win), I am forever grateful for you, the deeply meaningful work you do, and our lives colliding at the perfect time to bring about this metamorphosis. Thank you.

And to everyone else reading this, you are worthy of such a powerful metamorphosis. You are enough. As Aly told me today, it would be a crime to withhold what you have to offer to people in need. There are hundreds of people who need what you have to offer. Dare to be brave enough to show up authentically as you are, and be bold in revealing your brightness within to yourself and to others.

*Written after my podcast episode recording with Aly Breathe on 06.13.25